Transform with Coaching: Overcome People-Pleasing Easily
If you often find yourself agreeing to things you'd rather not, or feel a deep sense of obligation to make others happy, you might be familiar with the urge to please. At the heart of this tendency is a need to maintain harmony, avoid conflict, and be seen in a positive light. But it’s essential to understand that while making others happy can be rewarding, it can also lead to a loss of self if done at the expense of your own needs and well-being.
Author:
Ridhima Dosani
Read Time: 5 mins
The Plight of the People-Pleaser
Recognising Signs of People-Pleasing Behaviour
Do you often say "Yes" when you desperately want to say "No"? Are you frequently worried about how others perceive you, or find yourself feeling guilty for not meeting someone's request? These are tell tale signs of people-pleasing behaviour. Resenting those around you who don't seem to share your pleaser tendencies, or neglecting your own mental health to satisfy others are clear indicators too. If these behaviours sound familiar, take a moment to reflect. It's time you acknowledged the possibility that you're caught in the cycle of pleasing others at your own expense. Look out for these patterns – they are flags signalling a need for change.
“Recognizing people-pleasing habits is crucial. They are often rooted in the idea that our worth is external – coming from the approval of others – rather than internal”
Unpacking the People-Pleasing Mindset
Why We Fall into the People-Pleasing Trap
Falling into the people-pleasing trap is more common than you might think. So why do you do it? Often, it's rooted in the fear of rejection or conflict. From early childhood, you might have been conditioned to believe that your value is tied to how happy you can make others. In many cases, this behaviour is reinforced by cultural or familial expectations that equate self-worth with selflessness. Additionally, the momentary high of being appreciated or liked can be addictive, making it hard to break the cycle.
According to a survey conducted by the American Psychological Association, approximately 70% of Americans report engaging in people-pleasing behaviours, also known as "agreeableness" in psychological terms, at some point in their lives. This trait, which is one of the Big Five personality traits, reflects the extent to which individuals prioritise harmony and cooperation, and are generally accommodating. The survey further reveals that while this behaviour can be seen across various age groups, it is particularly prevalent among younger adults, with the highest occurrence among those aged 18 to 34.
Source: American Psychological Association. (n.d.). "Stress in America" Survey.
The Pitfalls and Dangers of Chronic Pleasing
Chronic pleasing is like a two-edged sword - while it might win temporary approval, it comes with a high cost to your personal growth and authenticity. Continuously seeking validation from others can erode your self-esteem, making you doubt your value unless you're actively pleasing someone. This constant stress to meet other's expectations can spiral into anxiety and depression. Moreover, it undermines genuine connections as relationships might be based on the facade of your pleasing behaviour, not the real you. Remember, every "Yes" to someone else could mean a "No" to your well-being, and over time, that price becomes too steep to pay.
Coaching as a Catalyst for Change
How Coaching Can Address People-Pleasing Tendencies
Coaching is a game-changer when it comes to tackling people-pleasing. A coach guides you through a journey of self-discovery, helping you uncover the reasons behind your pleasing patterns. They empower you to shift your focus from external validation to internal satisfaction, establishing a strong foundation of self-worth that isn't shaken by others' opinions. Through targeted questions and strategic accountability, coaching equips you with the tools to navigate and eventually conquer the need to please, leading to more authentic choices and interactions.
Our unique career coaching approach has helped countless ambitious individuals just like you identify and overcome the specific things holding them back.
First, we’ll assess and confirm exactly what’s holding you back (it might not be what you think!)
Next, we’ll carefully identify the specific transformations you would need to make in order to overcome whatever was holding you back and achieve your ambitions
Then we’ll coach you to make those key transformations and track key success metrics along the way
Find out more and how you can work with one of our expert coaches to reach your next level of success.
Success Stories: Transformations Through Coaching
Hearing about others who've successfully overcome their people-pleasing habits through coaching can be incredibly inspiring. For example, someone may enter coaching with a habitual pattern of acquiescing to every request at work, ultimately feeling burnt out and undervalued. Through coaching, they learn to prioritise their tasks and set boundaries, eventually gaining respect from colleagues and a renewed sense of control over their career. Each success story sends a powerful message: transformation is not just possible; it's within reach when you have the right support and a willingness to engage in the process.
Strategies to Overcome People-Pleasing
Setting Clear Boundaries With Confidence
Setting clear boundaries is your ticket to personal freedom from the ties of people-pleasing. Begin by communicating precisely what you need from others, and don't shy away from affirming those needs. Assertiveness doesn't equal aggressiveness; it's about respecting both yourself and those around you. Remember, "No" is a complete sentence and your right to use.
With practice and patience, asserting these limits will become second nature. And while some might initially react negatively to your newfound assertiveness, those who truly value you will adapt and respect your boundaries.
Building Self-Worth Beyond Others' Approval
Building your self-worth beyond the need for others' approval is essential for escaping the people-pleasing pattern. It starts with understanding that your value does not fluctuate based on someone else's opinion. Invest time in uncovering your strengths, acknowledging your accomplishments, and embracing your uniqueness. Engaging in activities that make you feel competent and self-reliant can also foster a stronger sense of self-worth. Remember, approval-seeking is a habit, not a trait, and habits can be changed. With dedication, you can train yourself to find validation from within, which is a far more stable and satisfying source.
Sustained Success: Keeping People-Pleasing at Bay
Mindset Shifts for Long-Term Empowerment
Long-term empowerment comes from making deliberate mindset shifts. Start by acknowledging that striving to satisfy everyone except yourself is unsustainable and self-sabotaging. Shift to a growth mindset, where you see each interaction not as a chance to please, but as an opportunity for mutual understanding and respect. Embrace the idea that saying 'no' can lead to healthier relationships and respect. Incorporate gratitude practices to reinforce what truly matters to you, fortifying your resolve to make choices aligned with your own values, not just others' expectations. These shifts don't happen overnight, but with continuous effort, they can redefine your life.
Maintaining Progress with Supportive Communities and Resources
Maintaining progress in overcoming people-pleasing is easier with a supportive community and the right resources. Engage with groups, either online or in-person, where you can share experiences and encourage one another. Access to educational materials like books, podcasts, or webinars can provide ongoing insight and strategies for staying true to your boundaries. Commit to regular check-ins with a coach or mentor who can hold you accountable and celebrate your successes. Surround yourself with those who honour your growth and respect your limits – they are your tribe in this journey toward a more authentic self.
Take a step forward today, book a free discovery call with us and talk to one of our experts to see how we can help you make progress.
FAQs on Coaching and People-Pleasing
How Do I Know if I Need a Coach for My People-Pleasing Issues?
If you find people-pleasing is hindering your ability to make decisions or causing undue stress, consider seeking a coach. Are you constantly prioritising others' needs over your own, to the point where it affects your well-being? Or perhaps you're struggling to set boundaries? One of our coaches can help you address these patterns, offering tools and support to build confidence in your decision-making, leading to a healthier, more balanced life. Book a free no-obligation discovery call and talk to one of our experts to see how we can help you today.
Can Coaching Really Help Me Become More Assertive?
Absolutely, coaching can be a vital tool in becoming more assertive. Coaches are trained to help you identify the thoughts and beliefs that keep you locked in non-assertive behaviours. They can offer practical techniques and role-playing scenarios to practice assertiveness in a safe environment. Over time, coaching can help you to internalize these skills, so you can confidently set boundaries and communicate your needs effectively in real-world situations.
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